August 9th 2026
2:38am
I talked to an ex im still friends with tonight for 6 hours. we got caught up, and played games together, then we talked about the past. theres something just about the past that makes me wish I could go back. nostalgia. its what going to kill me some day. I miss him, I miss them, I miss it. I wish I could go back, do things differently, be different. but I know I cant. I wish he was still mine, and im not over him. idk if I ever will be. hearing about him and her hurts so much. I wish it was me. I want to be her. I need to be her. I want her life. I want him. I need him. I cant keep doing this. why cant my guy be more like him. he was so perfect, he'd still be perfect. it was all my fucking fault I messed everything up.
August 11th 2026
10:29m
i hate him so fucking much. idk whats wrong with us. i gave up everything for him. i gave away my car that had nothng wrong with it, for a cheaper one thats broken one just so bills would be easier on us. and when i go to try to work on the car, try to get ac so we can survive the rest of summer, and retroactivly winter bc the heat doesnt work either, he throws a fit. hes sick again. hes always sick. he complains that i dont comfort him, but im trying. and when i do, he yells at me that im not doing it right. he knows its hard for me, he knows im not good at it. ive never been. and yet he makes me want to try less bc no matter what i do its never good enough. what is it that im doing wrong? i try so hard to make us ok. im in therapy, i spend 3 hours a week learning how to deal with my shit, but trying to get him to do one is impossible. hell trying to get him to listen to what im doing in therapy, learning skills that would benefit him too, he shuts me out. hes a fucking child. and i know he hates being called that but its true. he threatened to break up with me today bc he couldnt handle being with someone that doesnt show they care about him. i honestly didnt care anymore atp. i kinda do want it over. if i could figure out how to get him home, or at the very least out of my hair, things would be better. this place doesnt feel like home. its never felt like home. i havent felt at home since i was with my ex. i wish i could leave. but im too much of a pussy to end it. he wasnt even the one who bought my engagement ring, i did. so at least i wouldnt have to give that back, but would i even still wear it? maybe this is what i deserve. karma for what i did in the past. how i treated my friends and my ex. maybe im destined to be unhappy for the rest of my life and just deal with it. atp i want to just end everything. my life. im so tired of being in this reality and i want it to be over. im not even that depressed, i just cant take it anymore. between my partner, my job, and the fact it costs 50 bucks to fill up that shit box, do i even want this life? maybe id get luckier next time. be a worm that gets used for fish bait, or better yet, that molds and dies in its container sitting on the store shelf. that would be better. god im such a fucking coward. and yet i still love him. some part of me does, im sure of it. its just hard to find sometimes.