June 25th 2026
8:38am
i was convinced not to go to a psych ward tuesday. i wish i went. my life is absolutely fucked up. im in a relationship im not sure is worth it and i dont entriedly feel loved. im only 23, but i swear im only staying for the hypothetical kids were gonna have someday. theres times i feel indredibly loved by him and i feel i love him. but others i cant feel anything for him. idk whats wrong with me. ik i would be happier in a different relationship but i cant afford to leave him. bills are killing me and hes the only way i can make it. i also dont think id ever find someone whod love me dispite all that ive done before. he knows all my dirty little secrets. and the fucked up shit im in to. i dont think i can find anyone like that. not soon enough anyway. he makes me want to give up on life sometimes. its better to kill myself than it would be to tell everyone were not engaged anymore. to admit i was wrong, loved the wrong man. i feel like im being held hostage by my past mistakes and i cant get out. i love him somedays, but idk if thats enough idk how to mention all of this in therapy. i made a pros and cons list of the relationship, and dispite all the flaws, i cant bring myself to face ending it. it doesnt help that he blames me for dragging him to my home town. and keeps saying that he cant go back to his parents. it makes me feel more stuck. he says hed rather kill himself than not be with me, sometimes idk if i care what happens to him after. but then i remeber his mom. i cant do that to her. i just feel stuck. and i was talked out of going to the facility, even tho ive tried to kill myself countless times the past few weeks. so now i dont even know where to go to get help. i feel like im not even worth the help. idk what to do or if i can really do anything. and im still waiting on my sister to give me a forged doctors note so i dont get fired at work. im on the last staw and its been making things worse. everything makes everything worse.